1984


Many do the thing where they purposely abuse your senses. Actually, I don’t believe anyone would not partake in the games I describe, but they don’t in fact have to always do exactly the same things at the same time. It’s a little, although not too much, more sophisticated than that. And it has nothing to do with me writing about it, because they do it all the more the more I don’t. And it has nothing to do with me having written about it in the past, because it was never a problem and these things never bothered me until it was systematically and insistently made into a problem. And so, if I don’t obey their demands, they abuse my senses. And if my eyes turn outwards and I start taking an interest in things, they will not relent until this is killed. It’s kind of a double-bind because they’re all the same everywhere, and so if I only kill parts of myself that are susceptible to those that would like to inflict all kinds of harms to me, it wouldn’t leave very much over. And then the whole thing is that I’m supposed to have some sort of human relationship with them. I guess I’m supposed to work up the ranks of their acceptance, and if I try hard enough they’re sure to eventually make me a part of their society.

I suppose it would be nice to be normal. A normal person fills everyone with delight. At fragile times no one’s eyes turn towards a normal person, and as they always do normal things everyone can have normal thoughts about them. What is normal is what everyone is doing of course, and there can be a gap between what is normal in practice and what is said to be normal. But that’s just part of the story.
I’m reclusive, which is one of my abnormalities. In fact, that I am reclusive, I don’t think would have been treated like such a problem if they weren’t constantly doing everything to force me to be reclusive. It’s because they force me to be reclusive, that they have to also use it against me that I am reclusive whenever they can. It gets lost along the way that I am in fact entitled to be reclusive, because they do everything to force me to be reclusive. And for anyone that would have me believe they do this jokingly, there are also those that don’t do it jokingly.

And so, not like this hasn’t happened before, the demand is that I succumb to their insincerity, because they want to teach me the wisdom that no one is ever sincere and no one says what they think and I have to become like them because that’s how people communicate. But this is not quite so universal, and is mostly limited to anyone that’s obliging me to become like them, and above all to do so publicly and persistently. And those that get their gulps on the side. Basically it’s strategic and they switch around, and others will use the opposite against me and everything is just as exaggerated and exploitative although only under the pretext of being done jokingly by some. It’s difficult to be fair when they work as a collective, and it doesn’t help that no one I communicate with admits knowing me, although some can be rather coercive in obliging the communication. No one in the public admits knowing me either, which is why the public becomes actively engaged in forcing this process and allowing no escape from my obligation to it. Those that do admit knowing me, do not acknowledge that anything out of the ordinary is taking place in my life, at least not in admission. If the hangman comes knocking, most likely all that will suddenly be left is a bunch of official relations to you by a bunch of normal people who will be quick to point you out as someone that’s been behaving oddly.